Mel Robbins’ The Let Them Theory has certainly captured global attention for its practical advice on handling relationships and setting boundaries. The core idea is simple: instead of trying to control others’ actions or responses, you let them be who they are and do what they choose, freeing yourself from unnecessary stress and focusing on your own growth and peace. While this might sound empowering—and in some ways, it aligns with biblical wisdom on not being overly concerned with others’ opinions (Galatians 1:10)—there are some areas where it diverges from a distinctly Christian worldview. As followers of Jesus Christ, we should use his Word as our authority when evaluating every new trend we encounter. Let’s unpack what the Bible has to say about this theory.
What is the “Let Them” Theory
The publisher describes this theory as “a groundbreaking approach to reclaiming your life by focusing on what you can control and releasing what you can’t. The Let Them Theory helps you prioritize what truly matters and put yourself first… Robbins provides a toolkit to rediscover your inner power, transform your relationships, and find the happiness you deserve.”
The Let Them Theory encourages people to stop trying to control others’ actions, opinions, or choices and instead simply let them be who they are. The idea is that when someone does something you don’t like—ignores your message, excludes you, makes a choice you don’t agree with—you should let them because their behaviour is a reflection of them, not you. By embracing this approach, Robbins argues that you free yourself from stress, disappointment, and unnecessary conflict, allowing you to focus on your own growth and well-being instead of wasting energy trying to change or persuade others.
At its core, the Let Them Theory gives instructions on how to deal with relationships – with others, ourselves and, indirectly, with God. To be fair, Mel Robbins does not publicly profess to be a Bible-believing Christian and doesn’t market her book as a Christian book. However, I have seen many Christians share this theory far and wide on social media without considering the implications of what they are promoting.
Jesus had a lot to say about relationships, and his Word is filled with instructions on how to love others more, ourselves less, and God above all. As Christians whose lives are centred around Scripture, we need to use His Word as our guide in evaluating any teaching we want to adopt.
Who is in Control?
The first part of the theory teaches the relinquishing of control. We indeed have very little control over what happens to us and how other people treat us. We can only control our own reaction to situations. The problem I have as a recovering control freak is this – someone must be in control and that someone is God. We don’t just throw our hands in the air and leave everything to “fate”. We serve an almighty Father who loves his children and cares about every detail of their lives (Matthew 6:25-34).
Since the beginning of time in the Garden of Eden, mankind has wanted to take over control from God. Our sinful tendency is to want to be in control, and here I agree with Mel Robbins, this need for control leads to anxiety because we are never in control, even if we think we are. Can you imagine if every single one of us was in control? This world would be a disaster!
The Bible is full of admonishment about anxiety, but the most famous passage that helps us with this problem is Philippians 4.
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:4-6
We can rest from our anxiety because “the Lord is at hand.” The only lasting antidote to anxiety is thanksgiving and prayer, which results in the peace of God. Matt Chandler describes gratitude as the kryptonite to worry. We can cure our anxiety by thanking God that he is in control and will work all things out for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).
Scripture teaches that we cannot control others and that our focus should be on our own hearts and actions. Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to trust in the Lord with all our heart and not lean on our own understanding. In relationships, this means trusting God with outcomes rather than manipulating people to behave how we want.
When You Should Let Them
I agree with Mel Robbins that most of us are far too concerned about what other people think about us – how we look, what we wear, the car we drive, the work we do, our relationship status and it goes on and on. In our self-obsessed social media world we can be overwhelmed by our yearning for the approval of others. It starts with peer pressure on the playground and evolves to people-pleasing in the workplace to codependency in unhealthy relationships. The Bible warns against this sinful compulsion for the praise of others and calls it the fear of man.
I only understood how pervasive and destructive this common sin is by reading When People Are Big and God is Small by Edward T Welch. This book is an excellent Christian answer to the Let Them Theory.
Ed Welch defines the fear of man as when we “replace God with people. Instead of a biblically guided fear of the Lord, we fear others.” In our desire for other people’s praise, we exalt their opinion above the opinion of God. Our self-obsessed culture promotes self-worth and self-esteem which fuels the fire of this philosophy since this culture revolves around what others think. Even weight loss to look smaller and better feeds the need for the approval of others. Similarly, the popular imposter syndrome is another form of fear of man since you are allowing other people’s opinions about whether you are a success or failure to control you. We can carry on with other examples such as competitive behaviour, consistent anger or frustration which all point to the fact that the actions of others control our emotional response.
What is the answer to the fear of man? Is it to love myself more, as Mel Robbins teaches? To “get my power back”. (Spoiler alert – you don’t have any power). No – Ed Welch explains “God loves me more than I know. God can fill us with love, so we don’t have to be filled with other people.”
The cure for the sinful fear of man is to fear the Lord more. “God must be bigger to you than people are. We must need people less and love them more.”
“What is the fear of the Lord? It is to know the Maker of heaven and earth, who is also the author of the new creation in which we are brought into him. It is to humbly respond to him by loving what he loves and hating what he hates.“
When People are Big and God is Small by Edward T Welch
If you are a Christian, God chose you, loves you, adopted you and saved you by sacrificing his Son on the cross. There is no bigger love than that (John 3:16). He deserves our praise, honour and worship more than anyone, or anything, else in our lives. Jesus must not just remain our Saviour but He must become our Lord as we bring all of life under his rule.
People hold no power over us. No true power. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 10:28 to not fear those who can harm us physically but “Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” God holds the power over our eternal destiny. He deserves our awe, worship and adoration. His opinion is the only one that matters.
When You Should Not Let Them
While we do not want the opinions of others to control us, we want to live in loving relationships with others. The Let Them Theory encourages emotional independence, but Scripture calls us to love our neighbours as ourselves (Mark 12:31) and to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). The Christian life isn’t about detaching from people whenever they inconvenience us. Instead, it’s about sacrificial love, patience, and forgiveness, even when it may be hard (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
We cannot control how others treat us, or how our actions influence them. However, we can evaluate our thoughts and actions to align them with the will of God (Romans 12:2). When we fail, we can ask God to show us how to think and act like him (Psalm 27:11). Unfortunately, we are sinners and we are in relationships with sinful spouses, parents, children and friends and thus are bound to have conflict and disagreements. According to this theory, we should write these people off and ride into the sunset.
This is not at all what Jesus models for us in Scripture.
Just before Jesus breathed his last breath he prayed “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). He could not just “let them” be. Biblical forgiveness flies completely in the face of our modern culture. Heath Lambert explains that Jesus commands us to cultivate an attitude of forgiveness in Mark 11:25. We know that our sins have been forgiven by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross which makes the sins of others against us pale in comparison. We should want to forgive little because we have been forgiven much (Matthew 18:21-35). Furthermore, Paul illustrates a believer’s heart in Ephesians 4: We should guard against bitterness, wrath, anger and malice and cultivate a tender heart of forgiveness.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32
Biblical forgiveness starts by praying and asking the Holy Spirit to help you lovingly address the conflict with the person who sinned against you. Then you must first remove the log out of your own eye (Matthew 7:1-5) and examine your heart for the sinful contribution you might have made to the dispute. Only then can you go to the other person and address the matter privately (Matthew 18:15) by confessing your sin and explaining the hurt you experienced due to their sin against you. If the other person is a fellow believer they should want to repent and reconcile with you. After forgiveness has taken place the matter is considered resolved and will not be brought up again by either party, in thought, conversation or resentment.
Another situation where we cannot just “Let Them” is if someone is caught in habitual sin destroying their lives. We don’t just leave them to their own devices and turn our backs on them. We are called to help them “to put off [their] old self, and its corrupt deceitful desires, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22-23). The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.
If others don’t want to repent, forgive or turn away from sin we are called to “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18). Not every person who hurt you will repent and not every person you have hurt will accept your repentance. That is not in your control. As a child of God, you are responsible for cultivating an attitude of forgiveness in your own heart leaving the rest up to God. Vengeance belongs to the Lord and is not up to us, no matter how hurt we are.
Jesus calls his disciples – you and me included – to a higher standard.
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
John 13:34
Jesus loved us with his life. He gave up his throne in heaven for us (Philippians 2:5-11) and died on the cross for us. Similarly, we die to our selfish desires to reconcile and journey together to be reunited with Christ in his kingdom.
We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.
1 John 4:19-21
During the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught that as his followers we should not only love our brother or sister, but he took it one step further instructing us to love our enemies and do good to those who hate us. We are to bless those who curse us, turn the other cheek and even pray for those who abuse us (Luke 6:27-29). This is certainly not an attitude of “let them”.
Let Me
Mel Robbins emphasizes that “Let Them” must be followed by saying “Let Me”. The Let Me part of the theory is the “personal empowerment” side of Let Them. While Let Them encourages releasing control over others, Let Me shifts the focus inward, emphasizing self-ownership and intentional living. Instead of seeking validation, chasing people, or stressing over things beyond your control, Let Me encourages you to ask: What do I want? How do I want to live? It’s about giving yourself permission to pursue your goals, set boundaries, and align your life with what truly matters to you. In essence, Let Me is about stepping into personal agency and making choices that support your own growth, happiness, and well-being—without being “held back” by others’ opinions or actions.
Christians should regularly evaluate our desires and thoughts not to achieve happiness but rather to see if they align with God’s Word. Robbins’ philosophy leans heavily on self-reliance—finding strength within ourselves to manage relationships. But the Christian life is marked by dependence on God’s grace and strength (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). Our peace doesn’t come from simply letting go of people but from anchoring our hearts in God’s sovereignty.
Jesus the Son of God, Creator of the universe and Lord of all submitted himself under the will of the Father to save sinners. Christ Jesus left his throne in heaven to be born as a humble baby, live in poverty, be ridiculed and eventually crucified. He did not look out for his own interests but gave his life for sinners like you and me. How can we respond with obsession over our own self-importance?
Once again Ed Welch is helpful when he explains “Jesus did not die to increase your self-worth, even though life in Christ is full and abundant life. He died to bring glory to God by redeeming people from the curse of sin.” Therefore as his disciples, we should respond by asking “How can I bring glory to God” and not “How will God meet my needs.”
Conflict situations especially necessitate a thorough heart examination of our sinful contributions. But what is our standard? In the heat of the moment, my wicked heart (Jeremiah 17:9) can easily convince me that I played no part in the other person’s anger or actions. Without an external reliable standard, we will all see ourselves as innocent victims in an unfair world. That is why we need the scalpel of the Scriptures to show us our own sins and shortcomings (Hebrews 4:12). God holds me to a higher standard than any human heart would and, although I fail often, I should want to please him with every thought and deed. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
There is one aspect of the Let Me part of this theory that I do appreciate. The Frame of Reference model in The Let Them Theory helps individuals understand that everyone views life through their own unique experiences, beliefs, and biases, meaning their actions and opinions are a reflection of their perspective—not necessarily reality or a judgment of you. Mel Robbins explains that we should try and understand other people’s perspectives when there is a conflict of interest or difference of opinion, especially in our family. When your mom does not agree with your life choices or your sibling is upset about your behaviour, try to see the situation from their point of view. If the conflict involves serious matters you will most probably not change your mind but you will be more understanding, while if the matter is smaller you will be able to let it go more easily.
“We must remember what God says about other people: we are to need them less and love them more. I don’t need them to fill up my love cup; instead, I am in their debt. I owe a debt of love that can be paid, in small part, by pointing them to the love of Jesus.”
When People Are Big and God is Small by Edward T Welch
Final Thoughts – TLDR
The Let Them Theory offers insights that can help manage stress and relationships, but it’s not a complete guide for Christians. It lacks the Gospel-centered perspective that reminds us of our call to love sacrificially, forgive abundantly, and rely on God’s grace in all things. This secular theory reminds us that we are only in control of our own reactions and behaviour while Scripture comforts us with the reassurance that God is in control of all things (Romans 8:28). Although we can say “Let Them” to overcome our inherent fear of man, this should be replaced with reverence and awe for God and not ourselves. Let’s evaluate our contribution to conflict and try to understand others’ points of view, not to boost our own self-esteem but to emulate Jesus in our conduct.
Jesus teaches us by his example to not put ourselves first but to love others more. His perfect life shows us that we do not deserve happiness but there is no happiness apart from him. The gospel simultaneously points to our shortcomings and God’s immeasurable love. This love should be the lens through which we love everyone we do life with, in the good times and the bad.
I think Jesus’s answer to this theory would be:
Don’t let them.
Love them.
What do you think of the “Let Them” Theory?
Have you come across it before?
Has this blog post changed your mind about the theory?
Let me know in the comments below.
This was a wonderful read! I was looking for inspiration for a podcast episode on Breaking free from what will people say, and I remembered Mel Robbins spoke on something similar. In my course of searching for it, Google brought up your article and I must say that it is truly beautiful and I enjoyed reading it. God bless you for this balanced biblical view. As christians, we must always view everything from the lens of Christ.
Thank you for your feedback.
I am so glad this post was helpful.
I agree with you – we should evaluate everything through the Word of God. (Colossians 2:6-8).
Thank you for your article. We all interpret everything through our own lens. As a mature Christian, I have come to the age of 63 and have experienced all different relationship scenarios especially in the last 25 years. Never before have I observed relationship behavior as I have seen lately. There is an increase in disrespect, jealousy, selfishness, perversion to mention a few. I have become very frustrated in seeing people participate in lifestyles that are self-harming, destructive, and causes isolation and depression. If I “let them” there could be ruinous consequences, possibly eternally. If I try to show them a better way, I am met with ridicule and insulted. It is my experience that people rarely change. So Mel has helped me to “Let Them” – and couple that with the old addage “Let go, and let God,” it has allowed me to continue to pray for these people, but not grieve so heavily that it paralyzes me. God is in control.
Hi Lydia. I’m glad you enjoyed the article. Thank you for your comment.
As Christians the Bible is our lens and we view all of life through Scripture. I know unbelievers have different views and are not held to an absolute truth. This can be very frustrating when you are trying to evangelize and help them turn from their sin. However, to “let go and let God” is not the answer. We keep persevering, we pray and we trust God to work in their hearts.
Here is a short response from RC Sproul regarding “let go and let God”: https://youtu.be/R9NxsRXxwVI
This piece presents a beautifully written and emotionally resonant perspective on boundaries, acceptance, and personal peace. With thoughtful reflection and a compassionate tone, it offers readers a powerful reminder of the freedom found in letting go and allowing others to be who they are, while remaining grounded in one’s own values and well-being.
I was looking around since YouTube recommended me a Mel Robbins podcast and thought: This woman is so famous! I wonder why, I wonder if what she shares is Christ-based. Because I know that when in society something blows up, it doesn’t exactly mean is for a good reason entirely. So I wanted to filter it with scripture but I’m not an avid reader to give her book a look and also I’m very careful with what I feed my mind. I’m glad I found this article.
I’m glad the author didn’t just dispose what Mel R. said just because in some part the message actually disagrees with Jesus’ teachings, but it highlighted the part where it was also true for us, believers.
Thank you for this. I’ve many friends that have been spreading this ‘Let Them’ around social media for yrs now. Most are women. But what I’ve found is when they say ‘Let Them’, they mean that as kharma, in that these people who have wronged them will ‘get what’s coming to them in the end’. A revenge w/o action so to speak. So while they’re not actively defending themselves ( which I think is wrong when 1 is walking in the Truth) they’re really just waiting for that ‘reckoning’. The very fact that Robbins claims to be a Christian, but writes a ‘self help’ book while leaving Christ completely out of it, red flags for me. I venture to guess this is because when people hear it’s Faith based, they get turned off, thus sales will be lower. Instead, peddle Christian beliefs while skirting around saying so? while stating that 1 can do it all ‘themselves’ if they believe in themselves! Again, that excludes Christ, when Christ is all we need! Happy Easter, my favorite time of year!
I’m glad you found this article helpful. Unfortunately, many people who call themselves Christian believe in a Christianity far removed from Scripture and the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. For this reason we need to stay in God’s Word to measure every claim with his truth and not someone else’s version. I hope you enjoyed your Easter. It is also my favourite time of year.
Similar to Jordan Peterson, while Mel makes good points (even a “broken” clock that’s “no good” is still “right” 2x a day), imo she’s similarly, covert narcissist.
Mel steals and plagiarizes ideas from others (not only Chris Williams’s poem, but also others, including her own daughter (explained below), I do remember hearing “let them” from about three other people, a few years before Mel came out publishing this as original from her, and posting online that this idea came from her).
Mel made millions at her daughter Sawyer’s expense,
not giving her daughter any publishing credit due Sawyer for contributing to the ideas in Mel’s book, while, throwing Sawyer under the bus in the “Let them” book.
I have seen many reliable sources confirm your points about her plagiarism. Check out this video by Melissa Dougherty for more info https://youtu.be/E_TMn1AXKvY?si=EwA07Fb3R4ryqxzT
I’ve been hearing about that book everywhere, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to partake without hearing a Christian perspective on it. Google let me to your blog. Thank you for your thoughts on it and for pointing out Ed Welch’s book for a Christian perspective. I still haven’t made up my mind on if I will read “Let Them” or not, but I am a little less likely to move it to the top of the list.
I also wasn’t eager to read the book until I saw how many Christians shared sentiments from this book without considering how it compares to Scripture. Sometimes we need to know the error to point others to the Truth. Remain in the Word and you will be able to help brothers and sisters with truth in love when necessary (Ephesians 4:15).
Thank you so much for this- I’m reading the book now and was conflicted about the message it sends. I landed on the phrase “Let Him”- because I know that I have no power to change others, that’s the work of the Holy Spirit. And because I am His, it does involve me: my testimony, faith in action, words, and how well I reflect His love. (Love Them). I plant seeds and water them. The Lord is the One who brings the growth. The outcome is Giod’s, not mine.
I’ll be sharing this article with my friends who are also reading the book- It’s great for believing friends and hopefully a conversation starter about God’s love, mercy, and gift of salvation for those who need Christ. Thank you!!
Dear Jane, I’m so glad you found this article helpful. I wrote it because I couldn’t find a Christian perspective on this book. Thank you for your feedback.
I also have to remind myself that God does the work. He uses us as instruments but He doesn’t need us. It’s a privilege to serve him by serving others.
Thank you for sharing the love.
Actually Mel Robbins has publicly professed, many times on her facebook page, that she is a Christian and has deep faith in Jesus. I think Let Them does have deep roots in Jesus teachings. And there is nothing wrong with empowering ourselves…if it comes from Jesus.
Dear Ella, my prayer for you is that this Easter you would come to see that Jesus taught and lived a life of self-sacrifice to love others more than He loved his own life and he calls us to do the same (John 13:34-35).
Thank you for the thoughtful, backed with scripture response to the “Let Them” movement. You are much appreciated!!
Lea Lindeman
Thank you Lea. I’m glad you enjoyed the article.
Brilliant article. I have just finished the book and wanted to clarify my own reaction to it through a Christian lens and then came across what you wrote and you did that for me and much more. Thank you.
Thank you for your feedback, Michael! I’m so glad you found this article helpful.
God bless.
“Love them.”
Perfect.
Followed by, “Let me glorify God.”
Thank you for your article. Very well written, and your scripture references were superb. God bless.
Hi Casey,
Thank you very much for your feedback. It is very precious to me.
I’m so glad you found this article helpful.
God bless.
Lynette
I have been seeing the “Let Them” theory lately. I found (and enjoyed) your article as I knew the “Let Them” theory is not Biblical. I wanted to check out other Christians that recognized this as well.
Thank you for writing this! I’m hoping discernment will be a guide when Christians decide to read the book.
I really appreciate the simple way you explain how it differs from God’s word. I also appreciate your recommendation on the book, “When People Are Big and God Is Small” by Edward T. Welch
“Love Them” <3
~Adrianne
Dear Adrianne,
I’m so glad you found my post and that it was helpful.
Your message was a great encouragement for me.
I am passionate about teaching Christians how to think Biblically, especially about these trendy ideas that appeal to our sinful nature.
I hope you read Ed Welch’s book. It is quite convicting.
God bless,
Lynette