“Just One More” Look at Self-control

I just want one more biscuit. Have one more drink. Let’s watch one more episode. I’ll switch off my phone after one more scroll with my thumb. Just one more snooze before I start my morning devotions. If I buy one more dress I will feel pretty. Why is it so hard to stop doing the things we know are not good for us? Biscuits and Netflix are not sinful, but we know that the problem of “just one more” keeps us from fulfilling the will of God with our bodies, time and minds. So why is it so hard to just say “no”?

I’ve been pondering the fruit of self-control for most of this year. I’ve been trying to make healthier choices to steward my body well, but there are some things I cannot seem to master. I faithfully wake up at 5:15 every morning to do my devotions and exercise before getting ready for work. Most days I attempt half-decent meal prep and stick to the calorie goals on my tracker. Then dinner time comes around and my primal brain takes control of my body robbing me of all my self-discipline until no grain of sugar has been left undiscovered in the far corners of the pantry. What is wrong with me? Why do I watch another episode on Netflix instead of writing a blog post? Why is self-control so hard to control?

What is self-control?

We are bombarded with messages of self-centred influencers who live a self-important life of self-indulgence. If I like it and want more of it then I shall have it – even if it is not good for me or those around me. There is no limit to what I can have because I am my own boss. The idol of individualism teaches us that self-control is stifling and should rather be replaced with self-gratification. On the other hand of the spectrum we find ultra-controlled fitness trainers and bikini models who never ever have a piece of chocolate cross their lips and call that self-control.

Biblical self-control flies in the face of our self-obsessed culture. The Greek word for “control” or “discipline” is enkrateia which roughly translates to power or lordship. Therefore, self-control is the state of being lord over your own inner desires, thoughts, actions and words. The battle for self-control is between our fallen sinful nature and the Spirit of God. You either control your desires or they control you. There’s no neutral ground.

In his article Self-Control: The Battle Against “One More”, Edward Welch reminds us that by definition our sinful hearts convince us that God is not enough, forcing us to look for satisfaction in other places. The sin is not reaching for one more drink, Netflix episode or hour of scrolling, but the sin is that we are looking for fulfilment or escape in whatever is at the other end of the “one more”. Tim Keller famously said that our hearts are idol-factories. We are not masters of ourselves. When we drive out one master it will be replaced by another as we see when someone replaces overeating with excessive exercise or adultery with workaholism. Ed Welch again explains that “the only master that is not harsh and enslaving is Christ Himself”. Jesus is the only master we can serve with joy and call it blessed liberation.

Our perfect example of self-control

When Jesus Christ came to earth he became fully human. Since he was still fully God, he was without sin (2 Corinthians 5:21). Christ’s heart could not harbour desires that contradicted the will of the Father, because the Son and the Father are one (John 10:30). Yet Jesus was tempted by outward forces like Satan in the desert (Matthew 4:1-11), yet he never succumbed to temptation. His life is a testimony of having self-control over sin.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Philippians 2:3-8

This passage is one of my favourite descriptions of what Jesus came to do for us. Costi Hinn uses this passage to explain the characteristics Jesus displayed as our perfect example of self-control.

Humility

Jesus, the Son of God, Creator of the universe, sat at the Father’s right hand watching over all creation. By his own free will, he left the throne and came to earth as a pitiful human baby to live a life of hardship, poverty and persecution, only to die a horrific death for the people he loved. There is no “selfish ambition” in Jesus’ life. His life and death show us that he valued everyone else above himself.

Our sinful hearts point in the opposite direction – we want to be the centre of our (and everyone else’s world). Selfish ambition and conceit produce an idolatrous belief that “we are due more than we have received and that we’re worthy of more honour than we’re getting” (Matt Chandler). When we place ourselves above others we proclaim “I am God”. We allow our desires to lead us to self-indulgence instead of self-control.

We combat this temptation by evaluating our hearts to determine “What do I love the most?” Do I love Christ and others above myself, or are my desires more important than others? Jesus became obedient to the point of death on the cross. Submitting to the Will of God was the ultimate act of self-control.

New Nature in Christ

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died… Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5: 14 and 17

When Jesus died on the cross, the Father credited our sin onto his sinless Son and the Son’s perfect righteousness to our account. Martin Luther called this “the happy exchange”. Our debt has been paid in full and there is nothing we can do to contribute or pay for this undeserved gift. But this gift must change us. Our response should be to die to our rebellious nature and live for his glory. This truth changes how we see others and love them. It also changes how we see ourselves.

As we are being transformed into a new creation reflecting the image of Jesus from one degree of glory (2 Corinthians 3:18) to the next, we empty ourselves of our sinful desires and put on the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16).

Obedience to the Father

On the cross, Jesus obeyed the Father to the point of death. In Gethsemane Jesus prayed “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.” (Luke 22:42) Jesus aligned his will to the Father, even in his darkest hour. When we are tempted by that vice that causes us to lose self-control, we should ask ourselves “What does God, the Father want me to do in this situation?”. How do you know his will? He wrote it down in His Word.

You won’t find a verse on resisting another drink or watching another show. Still, there are plenty of warnings about the importance of self-control and the disastrous consequences of people who do not practice self-control like Galatians 5: 21: “Such things will not inherit the kingdom of God”.

Victory over sin

In Matthew 4 we read the account of how Satan tempted Jesus three times in the wilderness. Satan tempted Jesus to disobey the Father just like he did with Adam, but he underestimated the self-control Jesus possesses. Costi Hinn draws a few parallels with the temptations of Jesus and Adam and Eve. The first one hit me hard: Satan tempted them both with food! He still does it today. Eating is not sinful – God gave us his whole creation to enjoy. But eating to feel better, or to have joy or as an escape from our circumstances, is sinful. We are supposed to run to Jesus for comfort and help, never to food (or any other drug).

The second temptation of Jesus involved tempting God by throwing himself off the temple’s roof (Matthew 4:6). This should remind us of Satan questioning Eve whether God really said they would die if they ate of the forbidden fruit (Genesis 3:4). Satan wants us to question God’s word and his credibility. He can’t do anything to God so he wants us to doubt God’s character. Doubting God’s goodness drives us to the cynical attitude of “Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die” (Isaiah 22:13). Instead, scripture teaches us that God gave us these bodies to steward well and “whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31). Will another glass of wine glorify God or help me escape the life he has ordained for me?

Finally, Satan tempted both Adam and Jesus with power. He lured Adam with the promise that he would be like God (Genesis 3:5) and promised Jesus the treasures of the world (which already belong to him) in Matthew 4:9. Weaved into the sinful fabric of our hearts is pride that threatens to convince us that our desires are more important than God’s desires for us. Sanctification is a long, slow and often frustrating process. An easy life where no growth or change is required is much easier than changing and growing in the will of God. Don’t fool yourself – in the easy life, you still serve a god – the god of darkness. and he has no good plans for your future.

Where do I get more self-control?

If the blood of Christ has saved you then the Holy Spirit lives in you and should rule your sinful heart. One of the gifts he produces in the believer is self-control.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

Self-control is not synonymous with strong willpower. Self-control cannot be conjured up within ourselves apart from the Holy Spirit. Jerry Bridges defines self-control as “an exercise of inner strength under the direction of sound judgement that enables us to say, think, and do things that are pleasing to God.” As believers, we want to see the result of God’s work in our lives which he accomplishes through the (sometimes painfully) progressive process of becoming like Jesus. The key to self-control is not to look inward but upward. True self-control is a gift from above, produced by the Spirit but we need to open this gift and live it. Just as any fruit starts as a seed and has to grow to become ripe, self-control can be developed in anyone with the Spirit, regardless of how long it takes.

As the Hebrews were promised the land, but had to take it by force, one town at a time, so we are promised the gift of self-control, yet we also must take it by force.

Self-Control: The Battle Against ‘One More by Ed Welch

Research studies have shown that children playing on a playground with boundaries experience more freedom, creativity, and community than children on playgrounds without boundaries. The latter group are left paralysed with fear. As Christians, we need boundaries to prevent our deceitful hearts from their paralysing power so we can live a life free from the enslavement of sinful addictions. Only through self-control can we set boundaries to limit temptations around the things we find ourselves losing control of, like food, technology etc.

Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.

Proverbs 25:28

We protect ourselves from our favourite idols by rebuilding the walls that guard our souls. Sometimes this means avoiding tempting situations but the problem is that the real enemy is within and wages war against our soul (1 Peter 2:11). “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well-spring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23).

How do I cultivate self-control?

Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

1 Corinthians 9:25-26

The recent Olympic games were a testament to the magnificent feats that can be accomplished when an athlete has exercised years and decades of self-discipline. The apostle Paul reminds us that a runner must bring his whole life under strict discipline and rigorous training to win the prize. Similarly, the believer must be trained in godliness (1 Timothy 4:7). Steven Lawson warns that this kind of “self-discipline is a rebuke to half-hearted Christians who do little to train for spiritual victory. They are out-of-shape believers with flabby faith. They are spiritual couch potatoes with bulging spiritual waistlines. Their lifestyle is self-indulgent due to their lack of self-control.”

Just like an undisciplined boxer punches “as one beating the air” an undisciplined believer will be lazy in battling sin. We must give up control of ourselves to Jesus Christ if we are to gain self-control. As John Piper writes “Lord Jesus, I want you more than this immediate need!”

Every elite athlete needs a coach. We are privileged to have the best coach who has ever walked the face of the earth. He was tempted by every sin and was victorious every time. He did not have any sinful desires to succumb to and did not allow outside influences to deter him from the purpose for which the Father sent him. Jesus stayed the course (Luke 22:44). He did not sin when he was being reviled or punished (1 Peter 2:23). He was obedient throughout the worst suffering any man can endure (Hebrews 5:8). Our coach Christ strengthens us with all the strength we need to win this race set before us (1 Timothy 1:12, Philippians 4:13).

If we want to overcome our temptations to lose control over our desires we must wholeheartedly trust our coach.

Thus true self-control becomes Christ-control.

5 Steps to Develop Christ-control

Kristen Wetherell explains steps to develop self-control in this article, which inspired the process below.

Step 1 – Think before you act

Lack of self-control usually occurs in a “semi-unconscious” state. When I switch off my thinking and reach for the cookie, phone or remote without registering what I am choosing to do with the next few moments I cannot control my reactions. Thus if I want to cultivate self-control I must become aware of what I am thinking and align those thoughts with scripture.

Ed Welch calls this “biblical thoughtfulness”. He explains that sin becomes static and blocks the thoughts we need to hear. Self-control is thus blocking out the noise and thinking before you act. Firstly, we take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) before we act on it. Before I reach for something I subconsciously believe will satisfy a need, I have to stop and ask myself what need I’m trying to fulfil. Am I really hungry or am I perhaps bored? Am I still enjoying the taste of the glass of wine or do I seek further numbing of my senses? Do I need another pair of shoes or earrings or do I believe these unnecessary purchases will make me feel better about myself? Most things that cause us to lose self-control are not sinful in and of themselves, but they cause us to seek satisfaction or escape from something instead of Someone.

Our analysis will answer one of two questions: What do I desire that I don’t have, or what happened that I did not desire?

Once we’ve identified the “why” behind the temptation we can change our thinking.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:2

We can’t follow the will of God if we don’t know what it is. Sin can only enslave us in addiction if it makes us stupid. Therefore we must study God’s word on our specific addiction before we can desire what he desires.

“We must cultivate the skill of living a thoughtful, careful life in which we do what is right despite our desires. It is tested when we are alone or we feel unsatisfied.”

Edward Welch

In these hard moments, we must stop looking at ourselves and lift our eyes to the Lord Jesus. If I declare that He is the King of my life, how does he want me to live? He is my perfect example of self-control and sinless perfection and his Spirit lives in me, so I can overcome any temptation that comes across my path (Philippians 4:13). I can draw my attention to whatever is true, honourable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8).

Allow me to walk through a practical example. Imagine I’ve had a hard day. I’m tired and my head is pounding. It’s three o’clock on a Monday afternoon and I go to the communal kitchen to make a cup of tea. A box of rusks next to the kettle taunts and tempts me with promises of good feelings and happy taste buds. I only had a bland chicken salad for lunch and an Ouma rusk will make me feel so much better. There’s nothing sinful about eating a risk, however, I am trying to steward my body to eliminate sugar and gluten because I know that my body does not process these ingredients well and I feel lethargic after eating processed food.

What is true of this situation? The rusk won’t give me lasting energy or relieve my headache. It might make me feel bloated and cause a sugar crash in a few minutes. I will also feel very guilty for not stewarding my God-given body for it to be an effective instrument in God’s hand.

How can I think honourably about this temptation? Food is not moral – therefore I won’t be “bad” if I eat the risk or “good” if I don’t. If I was starving, my blood sugar was dangerously low and I had no alternatives I could eat a rusk without being damned to hell. But I know my body does not process the ingredients in this rusk efficiently and that I might feel bloated and weak after a few minutes of eating this rusk. What does have moral value is how I take care of my body because  “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful.” (1 Corinthians 6:12)

You get the idea. You can’t engage in the battle in your mind if your mind is asleep. To be a Christian is to be a thinker. Godly wisdom flows from engaging our minds to know what the Father desires and obey him.

Step 2 – Pray for help from the Holy Spirit

Jesus Christ loved us so much that he did not leave us to fight any battle alone. He gives us the Holy Spirit who lives in us as a Helper to climb any mountain we need to, even fighting addiction.

But when the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, he will bear witness about me.

John 15:26

Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit living in us. As I mentioned above, we cultivate more self-control when we look upward to Jesus and focus on our future with Him. The battle against sinful addiction is hard, but one day it will be over. One day we will be fully satisfied in the presence of Christ Jesus, without pain, fatigue or hunger. All our needs will be met and we will be face-to-face with the only One who can fill our whole being. The Holy Spirit can remind us of this beautiful reality in the hum-drum of our lives.

Pray about your battles and saturate your mind with the truth of Scripture. When the war is raging in your mind the Spirit will wake you up and recall these marvellous truths to meditate on when the fight seems impossible.

…Remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him,

Ephesians 1:16-17

Step 3 – Confess your bad habits and ask for help

One of the privileges of being part of a Christian community is exactly that – community. A biblical church is fertile ground for honest and vulnerable relationships where everyone acknowledges their sin and supports each other in overcoming their weaknesses as we grow towards holiness. This mutual vulnerability is refreshing when you first encounter it and realize no genuine relationship is possible without it. (Side note: If everyone in your church is “perfect” and expects you to be perfect, you are not in a biblical church. The church is for sinners and not for the righteous.)

In this context, I can confess my lack of self-control in any area of my life. Depending on my addiction, it might be necessary to do it in confidence with a pastor or counsellor, but there is hope. Often we find that someone with an outside perspective can help us see the easier or more practical ways to address these temptations.

The other benefit of a true relationship is that a friend in faith can hold you accountable for your decisions and thus accelerate the change process. For example, if I know I will have to explain to a dear friend how I wasted money on another new outfit I didn’t need, I will be more hesitant to let go of my good intentions.

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

1 John 1:7

Step 4 – Identify and remove triggers

…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:22-24

Most self-help guides to mastering self-control will start with this step, but it is not a lasting solution if you don’t first address the heart of the problem: Why do I want this fix so badly? This is why removing triggers is only step 4.

Returning to my earlier example: I can avoid the box of risks before I get to the kitchen. I can choose an alternative beverage in the afternoon when I am more vulnerable to temptation, or grab an apple before making the tea. You get the idea. Becoming aware of your thought patterns starts before you are confronted with temptation. What are the situations where you fall into the temptation to lose control? Minimize those situations and remove the target as far as possible.

Step 5 – Remember the gospel when you fail.

You are a sinner and this is a sinful world so you will fail. Even a biblical approach to change is not fail-proof. Because of Jesus we do not have to live the perfect life to be saved – the work has already been done on our behalf. We know that we are forgiven for our failures as long as we repent and move closer to the image of our Lord Jesus, by the grace of God. It is only by grace that we can change, and it is only by grace that we can fail, confess our failure and pick ourselves up to try again.

God is so good. He never gives up on us even when we do.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:16

The dark side of self-control

As with any good thing, even self-control can become an idol if taken too far. Some people can set their minds to a goal or boundaries in their lives, put blinders on and achieve excellence, come hell or high water. I can be tempted to become obsessive – at least for a while. The outcome looks good to onlookers, but it can become a curse to your heart.

Jordan Raynor gives us two examples of how this can happen.

No grace for others

One of my favourite books is Prodigal God by Tim Keller. I read this study of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) years ago and still reflect on it often. Tim Keller explains that the elder brother based his self-image on being hard-working, moral, elite and smart. This caused him to feel superior to others who were not quite so self-disciplined, including his younger lost brother. His pride prevented him from celebrating the return and repentance of his brother and even caused ill feelings towards him.

As we studied earlier self-control is a gift from the Holy Spirit, “not a result of works, so that no one may boast” (Ephesians 2:9). If you are better at saying no to temptation or walking away from your addiction it does not make you better than others. It is all grace from above.

No grace for yourself

My status as a child of God is secure which frees me from any efforts to try and earn God’s good favour. I have it already! Our crowns as princes and princesses of God are imperishable (1 Corinthians 9:25). If I fail I can’t lose my status. I might be disciplined by the Father (Hebrews 12:3-11) but he will never disown us. May this unwavering love give us the humility to admit our failures and the courage to try again.

Biblical self-control is essentially Christ-control. This is what every believer should want. Not only is Jesus my Saviour who lived the life I could not live and died the death I should have died but he must sit on the throne of my life and be my Lord. There is no Christianity without his lordship. Satan and his demons all know who Jesus is – they might not like it but they know it’s true. Yet they do not submit to Jesus as their ruler. They rebel against his authority and thus will pay the ultimate price.

We love Christ. He is our dearest friend, brother and King. This motivates us to live lives that reflect his character. We want to be people controlled by Christ.